Recently my partner and I were discussing/arguing about the role patriarchy plays in our relationship. I had been letting some things he was saying slide despite my better feminist judgment, and it eventually built up and things got pretty heated.
Partially in jest, but also partially in seriousness, he often told me he wanted to “make an honest woman out of me”. At first it seemed so ridiculously archaic that I could only respond with hilarity. Being an enlightened boy, I figured being scoffed at was enough to make him reconsider this sentiment. Obviously it wasn’t, so I finally said something along the lines of “What the fuck is an honest woman anyway?” and “Do you really think I would let a man ‘make’ me into anything?”. Blah, blah, blah.
I expected his response to go something like, “I’m sorry, you’re right. I’m so lucky to have an awesome feminist partner who will call me out on all my misogynistic bullshit and patriarchal conditioning.”
No such luck. Instead he said, “But you wear makeup and like to be dominated in bed! I’m so confused!”
Poor boy and silly me. I suppose I should shave my head, wear a burlap sack, and give male lovers bloody noses to achieve orgasm so as not to confuse anyone about my status as a feminist. I understand that when I wear a cute little dress and let my leg and armpit hair hang out, it may seem a little inconsistent and look a little uncanny, but get over it for fuck’s sake.
The thing we all know and hate about patriarchy is that it’s fully formed and completely saturated condition. The former signs and symbols of male domination and female oppression don’t even matter in a fundamental sense anymore. There are no more Don Draper’s patting secretaries on the ass, or Betty Draper’s imprisoned in their home because there are so few options for even upper class women. Today our archetypes are a lot less cut and dry. Take the left’s theoretical sweetheart, Slavoj Zizek, admitting to being an anti-feminist, or Katy Perry singing about getting her kicks by kissing a girl, but still the whole time worrying about if herboyfriend will mind.
With both supposed radicals and liberated women consumed by the all encompassing facets of patriarchy, can there be a clear intellectual and aesthetic defense against it?
No.
The fact that there’s no prescription for gender liberation is definitely terrifying and has left the feminists of the third wave bickering amongst ourselves for quite some time now. It’s impossible to say that feminists do this, anti-feminists do that, and everyone else is just somewhere in between. Like with capitalism, where all of us are forced to make certain sacrifices not necessarily congruent with our ideology just to get by, those of us experiencing gender oppression cannot always act perfectly in line with regards to what’s in our “best interest”.
That’s why so many of us get frustrated with the rhetoric of the left, and have long ago abandoned Marxism and even more innocuous forms of socialism. Thanks to post-structural and queer theorists, binaries like male/female and sex/gender do not define the framework for social revolution. Most of the dialectical tension around feminism occurs within feminists themselves. For instance, there’s a desire to say a big FUCK YOU to patriarchal and capitalist beauty standards, but also the deeply engrained feeling that receiving male validation based on looks is the ultimate prize. The place of this tension is ultimately where reconciliation and revolution against patriarchal oppression begins.
Unfortunately, as feminists, we spend way too much time answering to our partners and other radicals about our lifestyle and political choices. That’s right, I don’t shave my legs, but do wear makeup sometimes. So what? Makeup is less tedious and more fun than shaving. But who really gives a fuck anyway? Yeah, I like being “tossed around” in bed, and I’m sure you could psychoanalyze the shit out of all my sexual fantasies, but ultimately the majority of our likes and dislikes are informed by conditioning anyway, so let’s just move on to more important things.
Female identified people have enough odds stacked against us, and we need as much support from our allies as possible. We do not need to be wasting our time defending everything we do to, or with, our bodies.
So back up off it, boys, we know what’s best. As tough as it may be, just try to trust us and stand in solidarity.
well google says an honest woman is a ” wife who has married a man with whom she has been living for some time (especially if she is pregnant at the time)”.
next time he wants to make you something tell him to get off his misogynist ass and make you a fucking sandwich.
This the best article yet. your opening proposition and story made me fear this would be another testament of lifestyleism, but you surprised me and agree with a great deal of this.
I hope that my validations sates you innate need for male validation in general.
P.S. where can i find this admission from Zizek?
MY LIFE IS DEDICATED TO SEEKING YOUR VALIDATION EDDY
I should have said “implies” instead of “admits” because I’m mostly going off of things said in The Perverts Guide to Cinema and the Metastasis of Enjoyment. Also, the fact that he’s never denied being an anti-feminist when asked.
Zizek actually said this in the speech of his we went to in NOLA
Yeah, that’s partly what I was going off of. Even though I wasn’t there, I heard tale of it. Thanks.
I dont remember that part of the talk.
Maybe it just wasn’t an important issue for you. It’s one of the only things I remember from that boring fucking speech.
I love/am amused by how easily baffled my partners can be when trying to wrap their minds around my sexual politics. “Wait, so like how is fucking random guys considered ‘feminist’???” Dude, maybe it isn’t but sometimes I just want to get my kicks and I’m lucky enough to have people I find attractive in whatever way oblige me.
There isn’t one right way to be feminist.
There isn’t one way to look, act, fuck, whatever.
To me, being feminist is doing whatever you want as long as it’s safe and consensual and trying to understand the world around you.
Maybe if men spent less time trying to deconstruct our actions more time supporting us in our struggles they wouldn’t be so baffled.
you’re epic. i feel like i have had this conversation fourteen times in the past month and its so tedious. thanks for summing it up so brilliantly.
dude! love it. reminded me of the bikini kill liner notes. Make up feminists! I likes ta look my best ya know? Gotta look good for that post rev dance party.
When you say “us” you must surely realize that many women would say things that are the exact opposite of everything you say. Maybe we should quit trying to define our comrades by their/our identity and start defining them by their desires as well? Only those two categorizations together will allow us to find true comrades.
“There are no more Don Draper’s patting secretaries on the ass, or Betty Draper’s imprisoned in their home because there are so few options for even upper class women.”
what does this even mean?
bourgeois woman have been integrated into the imperialist patriarchy in a historically unprecedented way, they have plenty of options.
this is sort of reminiscent of some 60′s style revolutionary nationalist denying despite all the facts to the contrary that the neo-colonial middle class in this country has every reason to support the system as a group, notwithstanding the occasional Henry Louis Gates fuck up.
We’re basically saying the same thing. Maybe you misread the sentence.
Obviously we all agree that white middle class and upper class women are far better off in many ways than they were in the ’60′s. They experience oppression in vastly different ways, and to vastly lesser degrees than women of color, and women from a lower socio-economic rung of the ladder.
I’m not really sure what you’re taking issue with in my post, and I would appreciate that if you’re going to nitpick and be so contrarian, you do so in a clear and constructive manner.
What is the struggle? My head is wrapped up in the intricacies of international commerce, what am I standing in solidarity with? Is feminism a marketing strategy? Are you conflating yourself with a historical movement in order to increase your social standing?
You began with how patriarchy affects your relationship. I think the next level of feminism involves how matriarchy affects our sex politic. Interested in your insights into the mad rule of the mother.
I’m so sorry that our petty personal politics are impeding your global transcendence. I’m so sorry that we DRAGGED you into our female-focused space and then FORCED you to comment where your ideas are unwanted. Are you… drunk? Matriarchy does not exist in our dominant culture. Can you please direct me towards anything referencing “the mad rule of the mother,” whatever misogynistic bullshit that is.
And, we’ll decide what we’ll be doing with our next level feminisms. Thanks.
SNAP!
gina,
you know, i think what happens is that often when people graduate college they are left with so much useless vocabulary that they cease being able to formulate real thoughts or express anything realistically. they just spew bullshit all the time. i feel like thats what happened here. i wouldn’t waste my valuable time even addressing it.
Offtopic, but I don’t think women are even capable of honesty. They’re all two-faced passive aggressive and evil whores. And not whores in a good way.
Back to your post, I think everyone likes a good energetic screwing no matter what sex you are.
hahahahaha. yeah. totally. get tha money, baby. “i’m in a tricky little mood. i trick these little dudes. i tell em that i love em but, i never really do.” are we really supposed to take this seriously?
SEE I LIKE PRETTY SHOES AND I LIKE PRETTY MINKS AND I LIKE SIGHT SEEING THE PYRAMIDS AND THE SPHINX!!!
we fiddin-ta beef y’all
“i bounce into position like i invented the karma sutra,
but money make me come, go and ask luda
and women cheat better than men, we dont disturb ‘em
my motto is what they dont know won’t hurt ‘em.
we just do it like you do, see the roles done switched
if im a hoe you’s a hoe, if im a bitch you’s a bitch
know that imma stay rich, so fellas do what you do
CAUSE Y’ALL DON’T FUCK US [BOYS], WE FUCK YOU!”
i take it very seriously. uh it takes a lot of effort on my part to maintain both of those faces (i spend a ton of money on make-up and then i have to try to coordinate). and do you realize how exhausting it is to even get to be an evil whore. its a lot…a looot of hard work.
I meant the evil girlfriend type, not the good kind.
Grey wolf, fuck you.
Charmcity- good luck finding a cool feminist boy who wants to dominate girls in bed, I don’t think you’ll find one. You’ll just have to decide to put up with stupid guys, or get a new fantasy.
I will not put up with stupid guys, or get a new fantasy! I deserve everything I want, and am well on my way to getting it….thankyouverymuch.
baby girl you dont have to OKAY. PLENTY of feminist boys out there will learn to love your fantasy just to act it out with YOU. cause you got it like that!
I don’t think so. Not real feminist men.
Sex, like children and pets, is usually kinda gross and weird. We all have our kinks and, when we’re lucky, we get to schtupp people who’s sexual habits mirror, facilitate, or augment our own desires. I don’t expect EVERY person I sleep with to enjoy, or even be comfortable with, [I don't even want to share it HERE it's so dirty], and likewise, I’ve turned down many a partner’s boring or bizarre requests. We don’t all share the same kinks and that’s OK. You know what? It’s even great! Diversity makes the world go round, after all. You can almost always find something else to do that’s equally fun and, when you don’t, learn more about what and who you like and don’t like so much.
I be damned if someone gon tell me that I ain’t no feminist cause I like it a little rough and dunno ’bout you, but I define a feminist lover as someone who accepts and respects my sexual self, doesn’t load my sexuality with shame, and can still treat me like the same, respectable young woman that he knew me as before I let him [...] me.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic lately, as it has recently begun to affect my life in a very real way. I think the way you approach it is great, and I really wish more men who know/date feminist women would think, read, talk about this issue more often. Thanks for posting this. Hearing other opinions like this seriously helps being able to talk about it out loud.
Way to go SK! I love the article(s) and the site. JEALOUS! lol. Anyways, I wonder if I am less of a feminist because I LOVE Omirosa’s reality show?? Let’s talk about that. I have desires of being barefoot and pregnant, I shave, and spend hours on hair, but so what. Isn’t that what feminism is, doing whatever the heck you want, as long as you’re not forced to do it for survival and public (male) approval? Still playing with womanist ideas as well…
Ta ta darling.
“For instance, there’s a desire to say a big FUCK YOU to patriarchal and capitalist beauty standards, but also the deeply ingrained feeling that receiving male validation based on looks is the ultimate prize.”
I feel like it’s a little more than this. Of course, beauty standards kinda fuck everyone, agent and subject alike and, of course, women are usually handed the short end of the stick and, of course, I’ve been back and forth and back again on grooming and fashion but, right now at least, I feel like since we’re all guilty of egotism, we’re all valid in indulging in our vanity. EVERYONE crafts for themselves an identity, a public image, consciously or unconsciously. We don’t really have a choice. One of the best ways of tackling that reality, I think, is embracing it tongue-in-cheek. I mean, if we’re forced to play, we might as well have fun, right?
Further, some of us more than others are rewarded for performing visually. I don’t know about you but, I personally hate work. If a certain look elicits greater cash, goods, or favors, I don’t mind putting on a little mascara for it. That being said, I’m not advocating for our sizest, white supremest, commercialized beauty standards. At all. What I do advocate is owning your physicality, learning to love and respect your bodily self (which, for most people, is a practiced art), and adorning what you already have.
“Unfortunately, as feminists, we spend way too much time answering to our partners and other radicals about our lifestyle and political choices.”
I totally agree. I love being feminine. I hate capitalism. I love men. I hate patriarchy. I’m fat and happy, hairy, I wear too much eye make up and sometimes I get my nails did. I demand love, respect, and affection. I want to be able to sleep around and also be able to participate in a collective meeting. I don’t want to, or have to, “transcend” my gender just to be treated like a person. I feel like if my macho “comrades” actually perceived as an “equal,” they would stop questioning my fashion and sexuality.
And, come on. Who fucking cares anyway?
I agree wit all that. But if “who cares?, ” Then why are there so many posts on this blog about it?
What is the difference in wealth held by women vs. men in our society? Does anyone here even know? Money = power.
the difference is we work harder for it.
I meant the difference in $$$ amounts. Like, men own 70% of the wealth and women own 30% of it.
What I mean is, when it comes to something as petty as appearance, who really cares if I wear some lipstick? IT’S LIPSTICK. I particularly expect my male allies to take a woman’s lead on issues that affect women in which they have absolutely no insight. The voices of people who happen to not be white, male, rich, and hetero have been so absent from politics, academia, and the arts for so long that everything we learn is inherently skewed by that ruling class’ perspective. Listening to unheard voices is revolutionary in and of itself. Homeboys, we might love you but, please. Just shut the fuck up.
I agree. Let’s listen to the Klan since they are poor, or the nation of Islam because they are black, or al-Qaeda because they are from the third world. Your guilt-trip doesn’t hold water. Ideas matter. Yeah, who cares if someone wears lipstick? I don’t. I care if women can decide how the world will be created in the future, by having control over the money that will shape it.
i dont know whatchu talkin bout gina. i dont love dem boys.
Could you elaborate, rephrase, or defend this: “So back up off it, boys, we know what’s best. As tough as it may be, just try to trust us and stand in solidarity.”
It seems like you’re asserting a heirarchical division between the sexes that you spent the rest of the post criticizing. I don’t see a contradiction between wearing make-up/sexual submission and being a feminist, but I do see one in that last little bit there.
uh… is there a difference between asserting and acknowledging? im just curious. cause i think i can acknowledge that these set ups exist (and yeah im gonna call it a set up instead of a “heirarchal division” because i am aware of how to not be a pretentious). i think what she was trying to assert is that we wish all the men who feel like we care about what they have to say about it would just shut the fuck up. “back up off it” is something like… uh… “get the fuck out of my space” which i dont really see any of the men commenting on this blog picking up on at all.
Is there a difference between asserting and acknowledging? Yes, actually. There is. To assert is to state something with force. To acknowledge is to admit or recognize a truth or reality. One is claiming to know the truth, the other is defering to it.
I wasn’t being “a pretentious” by saying “hierarchical division.” That was necessary to point out what bothered me most about her statement, which you clearly didn’t catch. I don’t care that she said “So back up off it.” I care that she says “we know what’s best.” As if to say boys don’t or can’t know something that women know. But not just knowledge. This is about knowing what’s “best.” Best, as in better than something else. As in ranked above it. As in a hierarchy. And one group knows it as opposed to another group. As in a division. A heirarchical division.
And may I add that I gave the writer a chance to clarify. I wasn’t saying she’s wrong, necessarily, at least not in her general point, I’m simply questioning her choice of wording and giving her a chance to respond.
Are you insane? She said that WE KNOW WHAT’S BEST—FOR US. And, we DO know what’s best for us. That’s not a hierarchy, that’s autonomy.
Perhaps that’s what she meant, but it’s not what she said. And even if that’s what she meant it would have benefited the post, in my autonomous opinion, to have selected a clearer wording.
hahahahahahahaha. what the fuck (i spelled it out there for you). im sorry i guess sarcasm doesnt come across too well in this particular forum. my bad.
“I gave the writer a chance to clarify,” how generous.
“I wasn’t saying she’s wrong, necessarily…”
arrogant pig. do you realize how disgusting you are?
kill yourself, preferably slowly.
You are a funny person and I love you.
You have no idea who I am or what I stand for. I am very pro-women’s rights.
And it was nice of me to allow her to clarify instead of jumping to conclusions like you are. “I wasn’t saying she’s wrong, necessarily…” That was nice how you left out the other part of my sentence where I said “at least not in her general point” and acted like the part you quoted somehow made me a monster worthy of suicide. When I said “necessarily” I meant, exactly what the word means, that it does not directly follow from my first comment that I think she’s wrong. That would depend on what she had to say in response. And even then, I only had beef with that one part of the post.