I have always been slutty.
I lost my virginity at sixteen and before I had entered college I’d already had sex with eight people and fooled around with countless others. It’s hard for me to pinpoint exactly where this penchant for promiscuity came from, aside from the fact that I just really enjoy sex. I was fully aware that this behavior was considered abnormal, even deviant, and it was likely that if I had told a counselor about my exploits they would’ve attributed it to some sort of personal inadequacy on my part. I’ll concede that it’s possible I was too young to have developed sexual agency, but even at the time I knew that I wasn’t having lots of sex because I was pressured, or because of a negative self-image, or due to some kind of childhood/psychological trauma. I’ll also concede that not all of my early sexual experiences were entirely positive. There were times I felt used and times I didn’t fully consent to everything that was happening. Sadly, I imagine that no matter the age, this is probably the experience most women have early on in their sexual life. None of this irrevocably fucked me up though, and now that I’m in my mid-twenties, I’ve used all of those encounters to make myself a more aware, compassionate, and empowered lover.
It’s been quite a while since high school, but I can say with some amount of certainty that the reason I was slutty back then, is the same reason I continue to sleep around unapologetically today. I’ve always been a feminist, and sexism and double standards bothered me deeply from adolescence on. At a time when my politics were still developing, being slutty offered me the opportunity to disrupt the player/slut dichotomy. But female promiscuity is about so much more than reversing binaries, or saying a big FUCK YOU to double standards. Moreover, it’s not about modeling male sexual behavior, and the goal is definitely NOT gender or sexual equality. As a radical feminist, I have little to no interest in being granted equality under the current patriarchal system. What I do hope my promiscuity can accomplish is creating power, rather than re-appropriating it, and using that power to help women gain control of their bodies, sexuality, and desires.
We Don’t Want to Fuck Like Men
The untrained heterosexual male makes for a lousy lover. They can be careless, self-centered, and obsessed with their own sexual inadequacies. A lifetime in the patriarchy has given them a sense of entitlement that sadly still defines contemporary “hook-up culture”, even in the most radical communities.
Why is it that so many of my feminist girlfriends were/are repulsed by blowjobs? It’s because we got sick to our stomachs when we heard about girls in our high schools and college dorms giving them out no strings attached. Surely these men receiving unbridled fellatio were not our friends or *gasp* our future lovers or political allies! How devastated we were to learn that nearly all sexually active young men around us engaged without thought or question in these behaviors. Did it fuck us up? Yes. Did it fuck men up? Oh hell yes. It made them even more narcissistic and consumed with their performance. Sex ceased being about two people, and became solely about the man and how he perceived himself. His ability to get it up, keep it up, and ejaculate at the appropriate time were the most anxiety causing elements of sex. Secondarily was the woman’s pleasure. Even as I’ve encountered plenty of grown men who were indeed concerned with whether or not I have an orgasm, it was mostly to foster their own sense of accomplishment.
Sexual experiences within this framework have left women unfulfilled, physically and emotionally. So many women in my life speak about a “waiting”- waiting for an orgasm, waiting for a call back, waiting to be made someone’s boyfriend. But really, MEN HAVE NOTHING THAT WE WANT, so what are we waiting for? We don’t want their petty insecurities, baggage, or fucked up concepts of relationships. We have enough of our own shit to deal with, thank you very much. We also don’t want any of their social or political power, which is pointless and completely illegitimate. We’ll ride your cock, but we reject your phallus.
Reclaim the Sheets
I had little to no support in navigating the sexual landscape while trying to keep myself safe and happy. I just knew that I didn’t want to continue letting men call all the shots both in and out of the bedroom. I wanted to dictate when, how, and with whom I had sex with, and how I felt about. Unfortunately, ways to create a space for straight women to be sexually liberated were not fully addressed by the Second Wave or the so called Sexual Revolution. This is why decades later we’re still sexually frustrated and heartbroken over men who all too often aren’t worth our time.
I think there are several key elements that need to be present in order for women to take full control of their bodies, desires, and emotions . The first of these being something that you often here from proponents of polyamory, although a polyamorous lifestyle is not necessarily something I’m advocating for here. This being that we should not rely on a single man for everything we need physically and psychologically. This seems obvious enough, but when you’re in the thick of it, it’s hard to remember that each lover can provide you with something unique from the others, and each encounter will allow you to gain something different from the previous one. It’s awesome to fuck someone just because the sex is great, and you shouldn’t be made to feel like something is wrong with you just because that may be all you want from them. What is messed up about this scenario is failing to show the person respect outside of the bedroom, which is something that often happens when men fuck purely for pleasure. It’s also awesome to fuck someone because you want meaningful physical intimacy or a strong emotional/intellectual connection. Just remember that the men who give you great sex will often not be the men who hold onto you fiercely afterward, or the ones you can have an amazing political conversations with until 5am, or the ones you can count on to be unconditional feminist allies. AND THAT’S OKAY because not everyone you sleep with is the end all be all at that moment in time.
In the same vein, it’s essential to always do it for the right reasons. Great reasons to sleep around are for sexual fulfillment, money, love, and physically affection. Terrible reasons to sleep around are pressure, external validation, or because you think sex will solidify someone’s feelings for you. These reasons are all terrible because they’re beyond our control and are interpersonal manifestations of patriarchy. Fucking someone because we feel pressured won’t solve the fact that men feel they have a right to our bodies- it will only reinforce it. Fucking someone for validation won’t change the fact that our social structure is designed to NEVER make women feel good enough. And fucking someone so they’ll like you more is just pointless and counterrevolutionary. We must be sexual on our own terms, not just when we think we should be or when men want us to be.
Lastly, sexual subversion through promiscuity can only be accomplished through a strong female/feminist support system. We best empower ourselves and others by creating communities of female allies to offer non-judgmental support and advice around our relationships with men. When surrounded by great women who always have your back, you can fuck men more confidently and freely. Because revolution is a personal process, not just an ideology, it can be vulgar and messy. Thankfully it is possible for us to fuck, love, and resist the patriarchy in the most productive and pleasurable ways possible.
I have read and reread this post. You give me strength, CharmCitySK. I want to highlight a few things you said, but then I’d just end up reposting the whole fucking thing all over again. Inspired. I’m inspired.
this was a concerned and thougtful engagement of sex and the failure of the radical to break its own sexual deadlocks and antagonism. For the most part this is pretty great advice…but
this post hyperbolized the particular and bypassed the universal.
Eddy, “this is awful. [We're] creating [anarcha revolution] and you look like an asshole. You look like a fucking idiot.”
whats with the quotes?
Thanks for your feedback, Eddy. However, I take issue with your assertion that “this post hyperbolized the particular and bypassed the universal”. First off, you shouldn’t throw around theoretical sound bites without backing them up with a little more substance. Secondly, I don’t necessarily think of feminism as a “universal” (whatever that means). My feminism gave rise through the particulars of my experience, and it can take on many forms depending on the situation. Feminism, like revolution, is not fixed in ideology, and thank god for that, or else we’d still be fighting the same battles with the same tactics we were a century ago.
As a 20 y/o male I enjoyed this article. I didn’t read every word, but skimmed the parts that caught my attention. I envy how empowering you can make sex sound for you, female sexual confidence seems to be lacking in its expression.
I do object to one part though, and that is “Great reasons to sleep around are for sexual fulfillment, money, love, and physically affection”. While from a pragmatic standpoint, I can see the validity of having sex-for-money in a long term committed marital or other LTR. However, I think including ‘money’ in that list lends itself too easily to prostitution (and not necessarily the sketchy on the streets kind), that lifestyle and the accompanying financial chains of restraint placed upon the woman seem anti-thetical to your concept of an idealized, sexually liberated woman.
First of all, I think it’s a little presumptuous of such a young man to comment on a feminist piece that he didn’t even bother reading in its entirety. I also doubt, from your age alone, that you are in any way capable of adequately identifying or assessing expressions of female sexual confidence.
That being said, how dare you pass judgement on women who fuck for money (which is nearly all women who fuck men)? Prostitution is not a four letter word in the spaces we’re trying to create, and I’d prefer that sex workers who may work on the streets weren’t characterized as ‘sketchy.’
I’d like you to point out where exactly in this article the author describes an idealized, sexually liberated woman—because she doesn’t, because no such woman exists. The fact of the matter is, under a capitalist patriarchy, women are bound in ways that men are not. We exploit the tools (double standards, gender stereotypes, pair bonding) that society has provided us with to better survive. The author is not writing a prescription for liberation, rather she is describing lifestyle choices that many, many women ascribe to, giving them visibility and recognizing them as valid.
After spending some time to digest this in its entirety, and reading the comments over, my infantile male brain has come to some conclusions:
First and foremost, I think your internet public relations could use some work. Eddy and I have both been flamed for merely trying to engage your philosophy and article. Instead of feeling like you constantly have to defend yourself, you should try to at least politely address questions or criticisms without resorting to name calling. charmcitysk, seems much more reasonable and tempered than you.
Aside from your manors, and back to your original point (see how name-calling and debasement distracts from the real conversation?): While I appreciate the self-aware nature of this sexual philosophy, I think it only differs from the current state of sexual-relations in our culture in one nuance. You are encouraging women to use sex as a tool for their societal advancement. There is certainly nothing new about that, what you differ on, is the self-rationalization you have spun that gives credence to your sexual promiscuity. The rationalization being that the best way to fight a ‘capitalistic patriarchy’ is by encouraging woman to equate their sexual desirability to self-worth.
In the beginning you may feel like you are revolutionary in your rationalizations, but in the end i think you will find yourself abused in the process of patriarchy takeover (?) and typical for it.
Sheesh…where do I begin?
Where in my article does it say anything about equating sexual desirability to self-worth? You obviously misunderstood the entire tone of the article, which is that we don’t need to pander to men’s ideas of sexual desirability to be sexually fulfilled. That’s the whole point! Sexual engagement is on our terms and not determined by the male gaze.
Moreover, I am not advocating women use sex as “a tool for societal advancement”. Maybe if you’d bothered to read the whole article you’d have seen that I have NO INTEREST in equality or re-appropriating power. So many women I talk to feel objectified, belittled, and degraded under the current sexual paradigm (an experience you could not possibly understand as a heterosexual man), and I’m merely offering them advice about how to break free from those destructive forces while being sexually satisfied.
I’m also horribly, deeply, and vastly offended that you think I will “find myself abused in the process of patriarchy takeover”. You are making an assumption about my experience, and the experience of MANY other women which is filtered through your own perception of promiscuity- a perception that is blatantly rooted in archaic and oppressive notions.
I really didn’t want to have to say this, because I appreciate all our readership, and all the comments, but this blog wasn’t meant for a bunch of socialist men to debate the merits of our brand of feminism. There are plenty of other spaces (discussion boards, forums) for you to do that. What we’re doing here is making a safe space for ladies to discuss the realities of relationships in the patriarchy. LIKE I’VE SAID SO MANY TIMES- this post was not promoting political ideology, which I know is sometimes hard to digest for radicals who are obsessed with labeling.
Please feel free to continue commenting, but do so only after you have carefully read and thought about an article, and try to remember that any hostility you experience is because this is our space, not your’s.
M, whatever you think about people’s manors, you’re never too young to start understanding that not every discussion or project is FOR you, ABOUT you, or needs to situate itself IN RELATION TO you and your experiences.
By trying to center the discussion on YOUR opinions and how you feel about the writers & what they write here, you are proving once again my long-held dictum that the #1 skill all would-be revolutionary males need to focus on is “how to shut the fuck up,” a lesson I will now apply to myself. You’re welcome for the mentoring.
Wow, the writer of this blog and also commenter Gina are truly amazing. I don’t think anything in M’s comment was remotely offensive, and I think the way Gina especially pounced on him was completely uncalled for. And a. feminist, so what if this was written FOR/ABOUT/IN RELATION to women? The fact that it is posted in a publicly accessible forum implies it is here for ALL people, of all genders and ages, to read. You are promoting the very self-absorbed, careless, insecure, patriarch that you claim to be revolting against with such childish behavior, and I would even go as far to say you are demonstrating such traits within yourselves. M clearly came here out of his own interest to learn more about the opposite sex, or feminism, or female sexual revolution, or at least something along those lines DESPITE the fact that it OBVIOUSLY was not FOR/ABOUT/IN RELATION to him as a male. This demonstrates a level of curiosity and compassion you clearly lack, and this alone should be enough to commend him for… but when he asks a legitimate question he gets berated by your sexist/ageist profiling! It is the angry “feminists” like this that make me embarrassed to be lumped into the same group. Rarely does anyone read every word of a blog of this length on the first go, and the fact that you were so incensed by his admission to this is just indicative of your own narcissism (yes, the kind you identify in men exists in women too) rather than truly caring about saying something that will make readers think. Furthermore, there is only ONE line pertaining to sex for money in the entire post, so no matter how much of it he read, it will not answer his question! Again, belittling those who take initiative simply because of age and gender, lack of compassion, and lack of desire to make people think… apparently this blog is not about what I thought it was about, which is why this is the first and only post I will ever read here.
You know, I was going to ask you to expound upon the sex for money thing too (and are you honestly surprised given that it’s a hot topic? again, i thought this was to make us think, discuss, empower ourselves, but you’ve proven it’s not)… but clearly I have to prove I’m worthy of asking a question before I do, or else I will get needlessly attacked by you sexist/ageist/hate-filled people. So I am a female, bisexual, pagan, polyamorous, nearly-30 years of age, from arguably the most liberal city in the US (San Francisco), with a grad school education… does that qualify me as feminist/revolutionary/liberal/sexually liberated enough for you? Or do you need my number of sexual partners as well?
Good luck getting anything worthwhile done in your rage-filled clubhouse, girls.
First, thank you Bex. People tell us how amazing we are all the time!
We in no way deny that NBNB is trying to create a space that’s by and for radical women. We are in no way interested in serving as an educational tool for curious male voyeurs or even for our male allies in this forum. Neither do we find it in any way necessary (or even beneficial) to pat every person of privilege on the back for merely stepping up and doing what they should be doing in the first place. Indeed, that would more accurately describe our real life experiences in the “movement.”
I encourage everyone to check out our Mission Statement and Points of Unity for any further clarification. If men are interested in commenting, please be mindful of our intentions here. Read articles and comments in their entirety. Please don’t waste our time.
xoxoxo
“I’m a punk under pressure,When we finish, put my money on the dresser”. hahahaha can all my comments just be bounce lyrics?
Wow. Did you just completely forget that not all feminists are straight, or how differently your version of the patriarchy affects people of color? Maybe you should spend less time drinking, fighting and fucking and more time listening to what other feminists’ experiences are so you don’t alienate so many people from your “revolution.”
I don’t see how hetero feminism was to the exclusion of LGBTQ feminism in this post. Neither do I understand where the alienation comes from. Maybe you could be a little more articulate with the accusation and willing to initiate an open dialogue. Sounds pretty sweeping and a lot could get unnecessarily wrapped up with this kind of comment.
Wow. Did you just completely forget how divisive and hurtful throwing around those kind of accusations can be for all radicals, especially feminists?
I have said- and I think the tone and content of our blog make it clear- that we write from personal experiences. To try and discuss how all people experience and are affected by patriarchy (including queers, trannies, women of color, and even men) would sound insincere and awkward in this kind of post. Again, revolution is a personal process not a one size fits all model. Not all people will be engaged in my revolution, but that doesn’t make it any less valid or necessary. Likewise I cannot, and should not, engage in certain revolutions either, but that doesn’t mean I won’t stand in solidarity or be a vital ally.
OBVIOUSLY I don’t think that heterosexual promiscuity is the answer for EVERYONE’s liberation from patriarchy. In fact, I know it’s not even the complete answer for my liberation, but I aim to provide support and encouragement for women who want to sexually engage with men in a revolutionary and subversive way.
And OBVIOUSLY, my “version” of patriarchy will differ than other’s because oppression manifests itself in varying forms, which is why, as radicals and anarchists, we use a diversity of tactics. So I will continue to drink, fight and fuck my way to freedom, thankyouverymuch.
you make good points in this article. many parts i really like and believe that all women should read. however, i can’t help but to feel a sense of hatred towards men in certain parts. maybe not hatred.. belittling, perhaps? isn’t that like fighting fire with fire when you attribute negative things to a group as a whole? when generalizing like that? i guess it all boils down to this – why not just be a humanist? a lot of men get shit for sleeping around, like women do too. i hear more women giving each other shit about being promiscuous than men giving women shit about it.
I almost feel like I shouldn’t even need to go there but, we do not hate men. Not at all. In fact, we really love men and that’s where a lot of our trouble arises.
I think it’s a fair and valid argument to suggest that the dominant culture, as well as radical culture, is too overridden with negativity, dehumanization, and violence. The world that most of us are trying to create is explicitly devoid of those forces. How can we dismantle the master’s house if we’re still using the master’s tools?
A recent fad in the anarchist community toward insurrectionist ideology frequently denies the work of feminists, anarchists of color, and queer anarchists among others, writing us all off as devisive, liberal, single issue, and my personal favorite, proponents of identity politics. Many insurrectionists argue that we are all oppressed by the state, our petty “identities” manifested exclusively therein. Therefore, the fastest way to revolution, they argue, is the denial of our societal roles, everyone all at once choosing to personally stop attacking these “lesser” forms of oppression and all of us individually attacking capital and the state.
That would be great but, unfortunately in the meantime, most of us have to deal with the very real fact that we are oppressed not only by some faceless force of Capital but, also very frequently by the people we hang out with, work with, and even love. And, that’s why we can’t just be “humanists” (although many of us are). Because men ARE NOT held accountable in the same way for their sexual behavior as women. That’s just false. Because many women internalize their oppression and, sometimes in order to fit in or feel more powerful, will condemn women just as harshly as the capitalist patriarchy would have them do.
NBNB is a space for radical women, a place that’s by and for us, somewhere we don’t have to curb our language to protect the feelings of the oppressors in the room that we still choose to associate with. Women are conditioned to internalize all of our problems. The less said the better, right? We want a space to rant, to express the conflicted feelings we may have about the people and things we both love and and feel oppressed by at the same time. Sometimes our feelings are hypocritical, sometimes they are only temporary. I think that’s OK. For some people, learning to speak up is a revolutionary act in and of itself.
I agree that because each of us face our own personal struggles based on how we self identity, each of our processes in identifying oppression and our approaches to overcoming it are unique.
However, I believe that it is important when commenting on, or creating a dialog about any kind of oppression,to acknowledge that the views we express are our own, born of our own personal struggle, and may not be applicable to other individuals or communities.
I felt that your post did not acknowledge the fact that many feminists’ experience with sex and regaining personal power through unapologetically owning our sexual identity may not play out in the same ways that you have expressed or experienced in your own personal struggle.
I also believe that failure to acknowledge this is indicative of how privilege plays out in feminist movements: those who are privileged (hetero, able-bodied, white or otherwise) don’t feel the need to acknowledge that their experience is not the same as those with less privilege. In failing to acknowledge that difference, you have failed to acknowledge the struggle of other feminists who’s experience is different from your own.
It was not “obvious” to me from the context of this page or its articles that the emphasis was on expressing individual experience, not building a collective movement.
I believe that it is important for us to share our individual experiences, but in such a way that we acknowledge how this may differ from other feminists who, ultimately, we may wish to collaborate with to collectively build a more just and understanding community.
I apologize for being reactionary and negative, knowing that type of reaction is not a positive step in fostering mutual understanding, but I think it is important for you to know that is how your article made me feel.
Social structure has nothing to do with how you feel, YOU have everything to do with it. Some guy doesn’t, your boss doesn’t, your mom doesn’t, the guy down the street doesn’t, it’s all on YOU and anything less is a cowardly excuse. Look in the mirror.
And money isn’t a great reason to sleep around, it’s the very definition of objectifying. Might as well throw yourself on a shelf at the store saying “I’m worth $XX.00.”
I can’t even bother to respond to your first argument (This is a space by and for radical women. Some beliefs are just assumed for the sake of conversation. Please see What’s What to take a look at our Mission Statement and Points of Unity.), but lemme tell ya. Money is a totally valid reason to sleep with men. In a capitalist society where money means, not only power and respect but, also survival, and in a patriarchy where men are rewarded for being members of an elite class with better jobs and better pay, feminine people very often trade sexual and emotional labor for monetary compensation. I, personally, don’t have sex exclusively for money, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t consider the finances of my partners. I don’t need money from all of them. Each partner gives me something different. I give a lot to my partners, and I expect them to share their privilege with me.
“I give a lot to my partners, and I expect them to share their privilege with me.”
Goddamn! I think I just wet myself. Thank you, Gina MF-GD Pea. Preachit!
First I’d like to apologize for not following the rules. Though it WAS Real Talk, it wasn’t nice.
But as for the money, I re-read it and she says “sleep around” for money. That still doesn’t sit right. A benefit from a partner? Sure, I can buy that (pun!). But as a “reason” to “sleep around,” well, that’s truly capitalism, trading a service for money. And this service could result in a pregnancy or disease or emotional trauma or who knows. So I don’t know that it ever could (or should) be that simple.
It ain’t that simple, not at all. That’s the whole point. And, people (especially those on the physiologically-receiving end of intercourse) can get pregnant or contract an infection through sex even without getting anything else out of it (That’s a pun of my own!).
The fact of the matter is, and this may not sit well with you (oh, and baby, that’s only your problem to fix), many of us do sleep around. Some of us feel comfortable owning up to it, some of us aren’t, and some of us would like to. As a woman who dates men, I can’t describe one sexual relationship I’ve kept where I didn’t in at least one way feel exploited by it. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love or respect these men, nor does it mean that they didn’t love or respect me. It also doesn’t mean that I didn’t enjoy those relationship or enter into them (at least, quasi-) consensually.
We’ve all been conditioned by and are entangled in a matrix of power relations that are nearly impossible to break down without hard work and intention. I reserve the right to tip the scales in my favor whenever I feel the need to.
Sleeping around doesn’t bother me (do it safe!
. Doing it for “sexual fulfillment, … love, and physically affection” sits just fine with me and I second it all. I also agree with all the “terrible” reasons and (ideally) I’d add internal validation as well.
But sleeping around FOR money is still something I don’t see as good advice. If you’re just so damn charming and so damn great in the sack that guys throw money at you, more power to you, but if that’s your REASON for going into it, well, I think that makes you (literally) a professional. I dunno if it was meant as advice or just conversation, but it was said with such authority, it just doesn’t fit with what I’d consider the other truly good reasons you listed.
But still I see the excuse-making and it’s irritating me. I see it again with your “quasi-consensually” qualifier. At what point are you not entirely responsible for entering into a relationship? Own your sexuality and own your responsibilities! And that was my overwhelming take-away after reading this article. Reading it again I see a lot more positive, but for every sentence I agree with: “We must be sexual on our own terms, not just when we think we should be or when men want us to be.” there’d be an irritating one 2 lines up: “Fucking someone for validation won’t change the fact that our social structure is designed to NEVER make women feel good enough.” How is the social structure responsible for how you feel? What exactly is the “patriarchy” stopping you from being/achieving?
I realize I may not believe exactly the things this site is about, so I’ll stop, but I just wanted to add my 2 cents.
I think fucking for money is more empowering and less objectifying than having your emotional and sexual freedom held as chattel by some jerk husband or something.
I would have to say after reading this that I am left with the opinion that this article is quite hypocritical.
The writer insults the promiscuous nature of the young men that she has encountered while at the same time attempting to justify her own promiscuous habits.
“The untrained heterosexual male makes for a lousy lover. They can be careless, self-centered, and obsessed with their own sexual inadequacies. A lifetime in the patriarchy has given them a sense of entitlement that sadly still defines contemporary “hook-up culture”, even in the most radical communities.”
“It’s awesome to fuck someone just because the sex is great, and you shouldn’t be made to feel like something is wrong with you just because that may be all you want from them.”
This strikes me as hypocritical. This is merely my own humble opinion.
I also find that while you may not agree with everyone’s opinions, it certainly is worthwhile to be polite and allow others to have their opinions. It is unfair to try to regulate how people should or should not feel. I think that a majority of the comments to this response and the article itself has spoken very poorly for the feminist community as a whole.
So the trick is treating people you fuck with respect _even if_ it’s a mostly sexual ‘relationship’ (of long, short, or very short duration), right?
And it is indeed tricky, I think, we’re surrounded by disrespectful models of relationships, whether promiscuous or not, really whether those relationships are even _sexual_ or not. It’s obviously different for men and women, as a general tendency, in what models we’re fed, in our experiences of relationships and sex etc.
I suspect that figuring out how to treat people with respect AND get what we (figure out we) need (including being treated with respect, including some amount of sexual intimacy) is tricky no matter your gender or the gender you fuck or have relationships with. Undoubtedly tricky in _different ways_ for people in different relationships to society (ie privileges and oppression). But it’s kind of one of the keys to living free and creating a free society, yeah? Treating people with disrespect or using/exploiting them is harmful to one’s own development as an autonomous human being too, although perhaps not harmful as being on the other end.
To no one in particular: It’s important to form concepts from reality, rather than conceptual aggregates. There’s no such thing as “the patriarchy” in reality, just individuals. You can’t point to something and say “this is the patriarchy”. Most individuals are separated in their belief structures from reality via language. Also, “feminism” (another concept) seems in most cases to involve pointing the guns of the state at people in order to help certain people at the expense of others. The ROOT of the problem here is the concept of government (a case could be made for parenting as the root, but government is something common to us all). Again, there’s no such thing as “government”, just a bunch of people with guns, and some other people who tell them who to point the guns at. Yes, I’m aware that most of them are men, as well as the history of sexism stemming from religion. It’s important to realize that women are as capable of corruption as men are, especially in the case of emotional abuse toward children. I hope none of you are advocating state “solutions” to the problems of gender. Men have their biological natures, which differ from the biological nature of women… neither is better or worse. Freedom is the goal here, and that’s common to both men and women.
To Gina and anyone else opposed to capitalism— There are 2 types of entrepreneurs: those who deal honestly with mutually beneficial exchanges, and those who use the guns of the state to attack their competition. Don’t get the fascist/mercantilist system we currently have confused with capitalism. Capitalism is merely the VOLUNTARY exchange of goods and services, and it’s the only thing that’s going to take us to the next level in our communal evolution (yeah, I used a conceptual aggregate just now).
Hopefully this helps in some way.
HumanBiker, thank you for so passively invalidating not only the aggregate of several women’s lived experiences but, also the countless hours we’ve collectively spent exploring gender, patriarchy, privilege and oppression, and capitalist society.
Please see our Mission Statement and Points of Unity before feeling compelled to comment any further in the future.
interesting article! I have a few questions and I acknowledge they might arise from misunderstanding but that’s why I want to ask them…because I want to know if how I’m thinking is skewed.
- “MEN HAVE NOTHING THAT WE WANT, so what are we waiting for?” Men in and of themselves have nothing that we want, but for a straight female who desires a relationship, they are the only option kinda…and then we are forced to accept baggage and fucked up ideals because that’s what it means to be in relation with someone and because no man can really escape the influences of patriarchy. so what’s a girl to do?
- what if you have no support group? also, it is said a good reason to have sex is for money. that doesn’t strike me as a good reason, maybe as a necessary reason, but that may be because I don’t think money is really a good end to do things. I do understand that women are free to do what they want/need, but the money part of it seems like the result of an unideal economic structure. thoughts??
Loved this post – didn’t read all the comments because got a little tired but GinaP, as you already know you have my undying love and I appreciate the proactive responses happening. In terms of response – even after years of knowing and discussing and loving all sorts of sex positive and sex empowered thinking and a few, rare partners also like this, I am still shocked by how damn hard it can be for me to just seize desire, and be sexually open and empowered, sexually confident, whatever you want to call it. It is damn hard even when you’ve been steeped in awesome people and thoughts and actions to get free of how women are socialised in terms of desire, constantly. I’m so tired of the constant ‘female desire’ on display everywhere in society, of women reacting to nothing, orgasming on screen, in photos, in daily life to nothing, for nothing, certainly not from authentic response. It took me so long to acknowledge being queer, genuine lesbian desire, because in high school I remember it was such a journey to even discover that female desire, my desire, could matter and I should pay attention to it. In elementary school I fabricated a crush on a boy because it seemed legitimate that ever other girl was faking it, too. IT SEEMED LEGITIMATE to me.
So yeah, fuck yeah to charmcitysk’s post.
SK –
First and foremost I appreciate what you’ve posted here. A lot of folks commenting miss the fact that what is here is intensely personal and you’ve opened up this personal decision as a means to launch a conversation and bring your experience to other women so they might self reflect, mentally chew on this for a few days and (hopefully) come out better on the other side. This really takes a lot of courage, so kudos! (Furthermore, I find this article meets your goals outlined in your mission statement to the letter – which I did read to hopefully avoid GP’s rod – so great job there!) Mainly I just wanted to comment on here and tell you how much I appreciate missives such as this. While interested in adjusting our social schism – I have never been entrenched in the wars of ideology and thus feel pretty isolated in many radical discussions – and asking just discredits anything else you might have to say. Thanks ladies for giving me a space in which I can feel included.
We can never escape our privilege – and I think that those that comment here need to remember that. I always find it funny that people think because they’ve changed – e.g. dyed their hair, grown their pits out, or started batting for the other team – they’ve somehow reversed history. Perspective is a mother fucker. I can never escape where I’ve come from – I only hope to use the privilege I have to make things better for those that are not in my shoes. I look to understand those from other perspectives as best I can. How we cope with our differences and work to overcome our limited vision makes us beautiful!
These people critiquing sex workers especially need to remember this – perhaps they can’t understand entering this profession because of their deeply instilled privilege. I am not opposed to sex workers that enter this line of work voluntarily, (obviously) I am no fan of girls being kidnapped or otherwise forced into prostitution and I think people need to remember there are these and millions more scenarios in which this profession is entered.
Maybe I’m just jumping on the defensive here as an old pal. Seems like anytime a person writes about women cumming (or not cumming) people get upset.
Now all this being said, I wonder – when sex is used as a power play, do we build a wall that prevents us from allowing our hearts to get otherwise involved? I realize as young, independent women, the goal may not be to fall in love and live happily ever after (and of course, I realize how ridiculous the fairy tale notion is and how it fucks up young girls) I just wonder if this possibility becomes completely impossible using sex as a tool. I am not suggesting women let their vaginas dictate their hearts and I think that women that do this are frustrating and have other agendas. I just wonder if the two organs are mutually exclusive from one another, at what point does a person start to build real, meaningful relationships out of this “powerful” sex? And how does a relationship built on this power struggle sustain itself? Just some questions from left of center.
Great post, I got a lot out of this! I know this is almost a month old, I will try to get in here more frequently!
- CS
Its a form of meditation, in some places. This is where they don’t Fink and Thuck. C.owen x
As far as the personal in it goes, this post is awesome, liberatory, inspiring. Way to go, chick, brandish that body in radical acts of fulfillment. But it goes beyond the personal, way into the field of abstract projection of original fault on the big feminist Other. It’s not just generalizing your experiences, which, yeah, helps to simplify things sometimes and get your feelings out: A lot of your lovers have sucked, a lot of boys suck, even some radical ones–i feel you. If it was just generalization, it would be “men in general.” Then every particular man isn’t implicated in patriarchal oppression (which he very well may feel and be pissed about too). But over and over, it just says “men.” Men do this, men are this way. You’re *universalizing the particular*. If men were so totally determined in Borg-like fashion that they are de-facto shitty lovers unless “trained”, or if they can’t possibly receive the gift of a blowjob except as a woman-degrading male ego-stoker (and don’t forget that some women actually like giving them), then you’re implying men are soulless and ultimately objectifiable (to you anyway). That bases an ultimate (not just practical or analytical) Us/Them divide, the kind that alienates and embitters. Is that *ever* going to engender loving, respectful, anarchic relationships? Or just never-ending fucking gender wars?
Not denying what you’ve achieved, honey. But realize where you’re going. It ain’t nice. Save your bullets, theoretical and actual, only for what’s really hurting you.
jesus god. i hoped no one turns my post into some hyper-educated discussion that i can’t understand. fuck, if only i had a dictionary. good job mama charmcity! good job gina p!
love love love this post. particularly this part, “Great reasons to sleep around are for sexual fulfillment, money, love, and physically affection. ” money. god bless you for adding that.
and its a real tragedy that you gotta spend so much time defending your awesomeness to all these fucking cry babies. you ladies are epic and i’m gonna keep on reading and sharing.
Hey all,
I know it’s 6 months late, but I couldn’t not reply. This article hit close to home. Uncomfortably close, at times:
“Even as I’ve encountered plenty of grown men who were indeed concerned with whether or not I have an orgasm, it was mostly to foster their own sense of accomplishment.”
This hit me like a brick to the head; you have a near-clairvoyant understanding of the heterosexual male ego. I have been (often still am) guilty of this exactly. While my wife and I are incredibly compatible sexually, I often find myself concentrating too much on my own performance, rather than just enjoying making love to her. I have to remind myself that she wants me to cum just as badly as I want her to. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely take pleasure in making her howl, but I suppose my motivation floats somewhere between personal validation, pleasing someone I love, and just plain getting off on getting her off.
My intentions are blurry to me; but I think it’s good to question your own motivations. It might be painful, but you can’t be honest to others if you aren’t first honest to yourself. I found it a process that lends itself to self-deprecation, but, after a while, you learn to not take yourself so damned seriously.
“A lifetime in the patriarchy has given them a sense of entitlement that sadly still defines contemporary “hook-up culture”, even in the most radical communities.”
A lifetime in the patriarchy indeed. A king in his castle will never have so much power as what lords over your heart. (I forget who said that; I think LeGuin?) I know a lot of guys, many of them obsessed with the hook-up, and the recipients of much co-ed college fellatio (you know the college players I’m talking about), who are absolutely miserable in their love life. Naturally, they blame the women they attach themselves to, rather than they’re own fucked up ideals about love, or this notion they carry of women as some kind of alien ‘other’.
You know why men don’t share a similar liberation ideology as women do with feminism? Because half of us don’t want to be free, and the other half doesn’t know how. Even in shedding traditional “feminine” roles, the feminist movement has something else to aspire to: gaining social, political, and institutional power and utilizing it to advance the cause of liberating an oppressed majority. There’s a goal and, as much work as it is to smash the walls down, you know what you want: the King’s head on a platter.
Men, on the other hand, enslave themselves. Some can’t see this: they believe themselves the rulers of their own destiny, the princes of the establishment, because that’s what they’ve always been led to believe. They see themselves as beneficiaries of some grand liberal philosophical tradition because that’s all they’ve ever been taught. Others sense things aren’t right with the world, that there is injustice, there is slavery, there is oppression, and as such there is no liberty. But it’s a jarring process: they’ve been told their whole lives that they’re entitled and now they have to find a new worldview, one in which they can reconcile both their systemically stroked egos and their newfound liberation ideology.
This isn’t just a crisis of faith in the establishment, or a determination to right at least some of the myriad wrongs in the world by refusing to be cowed. What men can experience in this process of self-liberation is tantamount to metaphysical schizophrenia: I am the king. The king is dead.
Frankly, I think a lot of people just opt to accept the status quo because it’s easier, by far the greater sin than just plain ignorance.
As I said, half of us don’t want to be free.
“But really, MEN HAVE NOTHING THAT WE WANT, so what are we waiting for? We don’t want their petty insecurities, baggage, or fucked up concepts of relationships. We have enough of our own shit to deal with, thank you very much. We also don’t want any of their social or political power, which is pointless and completely illegitimate. We’ll ride your cock, but we reject your phallus.”
Well said. I’m 28, and count all the women I’ve been sexual with on one hand, including my wife. Most of them I think were just horny and I was decent enough. I’m not proud of it, and I’m not ashamed of it. I like to operate on the philosophy that, if you’re happy where you are, and who you are, then you can’t regret the road that took you there, even if it was a lonesome at times. I know I’m no gift to womankind, but I got the one I wanted, and she got me.
This is relevant because, as genuinely happy as I am with my marriage and life, I find my own petty insecurities, baggage, and fucked up notions about relationships come back to haunt me. A part of does wish I had played around a bit more, or would, and sometimes I can be kind of a dick to my wife. Another part of me hates myself for my own thoughtcrimes, though I abhor the concept. We all choose our own words and actions, and I take responsibility for everything I do, but I can’t help but wonder how much of what I say, do, and who I am is of my own making or the product of my upbringing?
Petty insecurities and baggage, indeed. I got a Samsonite full of petty insecurities, and I hate myself for hating myself for it.
You talk alot about control, but control is the tool of liberation, not the goal. What I find myself wanting to change most in me isn’t gaining control over myself, or recognizing my own baggage and addressing it. What I really want is to not have to worry about control, or to worry about if I’m too controlling, or am I being controlled. What I really want is to be free to be totally and utterly naked, in every since of the word, with a person I love. And yes, I want it in that poetic romanticism that Khalil Gibran used to compose prose of; I want to lose control.
I’d say my expectations were too great, but my wife and I hit that kind of nirvana sometimes, where we can just be, fuck like mad, and bask in each other’s love and sensuality…
…but only when we remember to check our bags at the door.
Sorry for being so long winded.
-Dan